Oh poor, bored souls out there who happen to pop into my LJ, welcome. enjoy boring yourselves here. =)

After reading your entries, somehow i feel like a dislocated joint. But that's ok, I think I able to understand.

Hard work, perseverance, excellence will lead you to a better life, a more wonderful tomorrow, a brighter future. That's bullshit! I am awake now.

My past is filled with satisfaction and regrets. I am not able to confidently tell myself that i have lived my past 19 years well. Nothing i do now will ever right the mistakes i made in the past. I have a friend who regretted wasting his time gaming, neglecting what he now felt was important at that point in his life. I once asked myself that too. Has gaming killed my childhood? Perhaps. I never regretted starting gaming, but i hated myself for the lack of self discipline and self control. I myself have neglected more important things just to game. I neglected my studies, my parents, threw away my sleep time and also killed my drive to study. I am the result of my decision, and i have learnt to come to consensus with it.

People always tell themselves that if they were given just one more chance to relive their past, they would have never done this or done that. It is because we regret our mistakes, that we have this urge to relive our past, to do what you think you should have done. But, shouldn't life only be lived once? This is because only through those past mistakes, would you be able to repent, to understand the importance of the things you missed out when you were younger, to know that you need to change, so that you would not start regretting again in future.

Let's say you are really given one more change to right those mistakes, to relive your past. This time round you lived it well, made all the decisions which you feel that are correct. As you carry on living your life till today, not knowing that you have relived your life, are you able to appreciate the things around you that are important as well as compared to the first time you lived through your life? Perhaps, but my personal opinion is NO. I believe true appreciation comes after loss, hardship, regrets.

Instead of wallowing yourself in self pity and reprimanding yourself relentlessly for making the wrong decisions, why not make changes to your future? I believe that as long as you are alive, it is never too late to change for the better. People who make mistakes and are able to realise it, regret, get over it, and change for the better, are people who have gained maturity and wisdom. People who get stuck in the process are probably never going to be truly happy as they will always be burdened by their mistakes, drowning themselves in the pity. Only through forgiving yourself for your foolishness, will you be able to change your life for the better. We must always keep in mind that we may have wasted our past, but we still have our present and our future.

Live once, live well. Stop to regret, proceed to change. You can look back, but you can only step forward. The greatest regret in life is when you know you regretted something but not doing anything to change it.

Well, i finally got into one of the vocations that i wanted, RNS. Soon, i'll be a Radar and Navigation Specialist, IF i manage to get through my course smoothly. I am really glad that some of my friends got into RNS too!

Seriously, it really is hard to let things go. Yet, once it is gone, i just can't seem to grasp it anymore. Most of the things do not remain the same, it is quite depressing just thinking about how once we were so close, and now so distant. All that is left are just sweet memories, but memories can still be lost, be it to time, or memory failure. How much of me can you remember when you are old? How much of you can i remember when i am old? Whatever it is, I guess it is not something wihtin our control.

人生有时如肚子痛却找不到厕所一样，让我们感到无奈。
虽说如此，但是人生必定是每个人都得走过的一段路。
不管有多么煎熬，多么痛苦，我们也不该放弃人生。
因为人生只有那么一次，只有这可贵一次让你感受到世间里的不同情感。
你的人生是宝贵的。不只是对你而言，对你的父母，亲人，朋友来说，也是一样。
他们有你而感到幸福快乐，你也是因为有了他们而感到幸福快乐。
有时，你可能会觉得自己一无是处，不如一了百了，算了。
你是否真得想在那一瞬间的糊涂结束了自己的人生，而使到周围所有关心你的人感到无比的痛苦呢？
当你感到自己是不幸者，不妨睁开你的眸子看看这世界，你会发现世上其实是有比你更不幸的人。
与其自感堕落，自暴自弃，不如干脆充分利用自己的人生，去充实别人的人生。
你应该会从中发现你是被需要的，你的人生是有价值的。
他们需要你的爱，你的关怀。
身为不幸者的他们，因为有了你的存在，他们的人生也变得更有意义了。
我们各个的人生都是互相交措的。
人以人之间的关系有如唇亡齿寒，所以每个人的生命都是一样的宝贵，重要。


haha... just wanted to write in chinese. boring stuff... LOL

It's been long lost to the darkness,
the feelings that bonded us so.
Nights never seem so long before,
until the day you left me cold.

The tissues used to fill my tears,
evidence of my bleeding heart.
You left me with nothing at all,
only loads of memory shards.

I wonder how my life would be,
if i had never met you then.
I might have been much happier,
but it ain't what i chose at the end.

Who can i blame except myself,
my foolish heart for loving you.
Memories with you are all lies,
burning my mind like acid dew.

Love lost can never come back again,
times spent with you are nothing but just pure pain.
Why do i keep thinking of you,
even though i know you ain't true.
So just go,
and leave me alone.

I've gone through this many many times before, yet each time i never fail to feel the same. Bittersweet, with a tinge of sourness in my heart.

Just thinking about not being able to hang out as often with my current group of friends, i feel like i have lost a part of me. The sleeping faces i see when i awaken in the morning, the lazy bums i have to nudge out of bed, the people who cleans the toilet with me, the people whom i like to bully despite them being older than me, i guess i'll miss them. After 3 plus months of living together, studying together, doing so many things together, who wouldn't? Moreover, some are of them are people whom i hold quite dearly to me, they are like my homies. So many wonderful memories they have left me with, yet so little time i'm now left with them. It is such a pity to let these things go so easily.

Sadly, i think it is going to be the case. We were told that we were going to be notified about our vocation only on the very last day. Thereafter, we will be heading directly to our new training centre. No farewell partys, graduation ceremonies, etc. Ain't it depressing letting things end so abruptly. Oh well, what can i do? How am i suppose to feel? Perhaps i should feel like how i am suppose to feel whenever i am this kind of situation. That is, "there is no such thing as an everlasting banquet. Everything, be it good or bad, will come to an end one day. So instead of feeling sad over it, why not cherish those precious memories and be glad that we once had that happy moments in our lives?" Cliché or not i do not care, as long as it makes me a little happier. That's all that matters to me at this very moment.

Why do we engage ourselves in community services? Is it for the sake of achieving certain criteria, to put on a show or just simply because you feel like doing it? I have done a few community services before and i found out quite a few things from these experience.

I remember once helping a buddhist charity organisation to ask for donations. This organisation is not to help buddhism to 发扬光大. They were just asking people to donate, to help the less fortunate, definitely not to build temples or religious figurines. Yet, when i and my girlfriend went around asking for donations, we met the most peculiar people on the streets. Some ranted at us saying that they lost their wallets and yet we still ask donations from them, and some after seeing the sticker with a buddhist hand sign, gave a depising look and decided not to donate, saying that they are not buddhist. Seriously, i don't see myself doing that to the charity organisations of other religions. Why? The reason is simply because i know that those organisations are also doing their part in trying to make the lives of the less fortunate better. It does not matter to me what religion the charity organisation adopts, as long as their purpose is the same, i'll donate WILLINGLY.

Recently, the organisation i belong to asked us to do community services at some home. I thought perhaps they are really just wanting to help the elderly, to give them warmth and a little bit of happiness. Then, i started hearing about the CNA and some minister. I'm like, "Is this really solely for charity?" Well, apart from that, i was shocked and utterly disgusted by the words of one of my superior. I told him i was done with cleaning the wheelchairs and asked if there was anything else for me to do. Guess what he replied me. He told me to slowly clean the wheelchairs, make myself appear to be busy, so that they would not give us more things to do. Isn't community service about doing the best you can in that limited time given to make their lives more meaningful? So much for community services.
I keep ranting on about other people's bad points. But in actual fact, I am no better. When i was at the old folks home, i interacted with them, listen to their stories, their songs. I was surprised by my own tolerance and attentiveness towards them, as they kept repeating the same things over and over. When they praised me for being a good boy, i felt guilty. If i could be so tolerant towards other elderly, why can't i be tolerant towards my parents. They are aging too. Many a time, i found them naggy, forgetful, and it irritates me to repeat myself. I mean, they are my immediate family and soon they will be old folks too. I should be nicer, shouldn't i? That is why, i feel we can all forget about community services, at least for now. Compassion, understanding, love, should start from home. Treat your folks like how you treat the old folks at the home. Serve them, take care of them, interact with them with the same positive attitude that you display in front of the old folks. Try to be understanding that they are growing old too. Their memory may be failing, they may just keep repeating the same things over and over, they may forget about the good times they had spent with you. Do not be angry or irritated. Just listen, because when you are listening to them, you are creating another good time for them. It is not how much they remember that makes them happy. It is how much time that you spend with them trying to help them remember that makes them happy.



=) TREAT YOUR FOLKS WELL, PEOPLE! (=

It's been ages since i used my live journal. I do not know where to start, or what to write. People have also stop frequenting my life journal which makes it all the more meaningless to write. Oh well, but since today i have the time, i must as well just post an entry. Many things have happened since i POP-ed from Tekong. Stepping into a whole new world, not as an infantry but as a Navy trainee. I was assured by many people that Navy life is slack, and i believed them. How wrong was I to not know how wrong they were. I passed out as a PVT, yet i was still made to feel like a REC during my first few months stay in Navy. HOW THAT SUCK! Well, people keep saying that the life ahead will definitely be better, yet every time when i reach there, things are always different from what i was being told. ALL UTTER BULLSHIT! For my entire life, i have always been in the transit of things. Things like, being in the last batch of JC students taking the old syllabus, coming to Navy BMTC and being the pioneer batch for the new system, then to Navy GNTC and also being the pioneer batch for the new system too. I'M FREAKING TIRED of all these. That was how i felt. But then, when i took the time to think about it, there is nothing really bad about all that has happened to me. I have to admit that I have become physically fitter ever since i joined the Navy. I have learnt alot too, especially ropework. My time is not being wasted, just not what i have expected or wished for, that's all. WE ARE NOT AH KUA PENG! But still, i do not like NS life. The regimentation, the discipline level, the idea of staying in camp 5.5 days a week. Most of the time, I don't feel good booking out. Not that i don't want to book out but because i find myself having to book in back to camp on the next day. I mean, who would feel good? Time spent outside is really short. There are many things you wish to do, yet out of all the things, how many are you able to accomplish or even have the mood to start doing them? I feel hollow inside. I feel so out of touch with many things, even writing this entry is of difficulty for me. Oh well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, even if i don't want to do, i am obliged to do, entitled to do. So, i must as well just do it wholeheartedly, at least I won't feel so miserable inside.

Staring at my jockey cap soaring in the sky, i finally POPed! Throughout these 15 weeks i have truly learnt alot. Not only basic military skills but also much more in life, how to live with various kinds of people, how to tolerate, endure, becoming more disciplined, etc. A memorable and meaningful experience indeed! Looking back, it really felt like yesterday when i just got enlisted (i know it sounds cliche but it really felt that way). I was once surrounded by many unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar, distant land from home. Yet after a long 15 weeks in BMTC, most of these faces have become part of my daily life. We eat together, sleep together, train together, get tekaned together. Most of the things we do, we do it together as a whole. Pulau Tekong really felt like a second home to me. Yet, now that i have POPed, i feel a prominent emptiness in my heart. It feels so lonely and cold, longing for something that has already become a memory. How true were those words that BMTC is usually the best moments of an NSman life! Well, now that BMT is over, I can only look ahead and pray that my UNIT life would be as meaningful and memorable. Thank you BMT for ending on a good note!

I drew this picture out of boredom in army camp. do give me your comments =) This is the enlarged version of it. =)

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

It has been a very long time since i last written an entry. How many people are still reading my journal? I do not know. Upon entering the army, I felt that the army life shouldn't be too bad. Well, initially. As time passes, I find myself losing touch to many things around me. The world is changing, people are changing, i am changing too. Yet, I am not in most of the changes. The only changes that i am experiencing are the changes within myself. Seriously, I am greatly saddened, depressed. National Service is not a choice, but an entitlement that is bestowed upon me, upon my birth. I have tried umpteen of times to be optimistic, pushing myself to strive on, to accept and to enjoy army life. But sadly, today I cannot take it anymore. I need a place to vent out the bottled up feelings. I want to participate in the changes happening around me, to be part of my real world. I want to know the news, I want to go to school once more, and I want to lead my civilian life. Much as I want, I can’t.


How much do you know? It feels like a deep trench has been dug between us. I can’t bring myself to tell you anything, anymore. Not that I don’t want to, it is just that I do not know what to say either. I myself do not know what the missing “something” is. But I guess I’ll be ok.


LITTLE BIRD
Little bird, oh little bird,
I have severed the chains to your cage.
Fly free and fly high,
Inhale the fresh air in the sky.
No longer I will hold you back,
For I see sadness in your eyes.
You yearn to return to your flock,
But my selfishness made you stay.
I thank you for your company,
And all the times we shared.
Your freedom is well deserved,
And this is all I can give.
Little bird, oh little bird,
Do visit when you fly by.
Let us reminisce about the past,
Make merry and have fun.

I've been thinking, does going to NS so soon really not matter to me? As the days draw nearer, anxiety started making its move too, slowly engulfing me. It is not one filled with fear to go for NS. Rather, it is one of reluctance. It just ain't fair. I want more time, be it with my family, my Guardian Force(GF), or just lazing in front of my computer. I put on a (heck care) front, as though not really bothered by the fact that i will be going to NS on 8 Dec, but i actually am bothered by it. What will NS be like? Will i be able to make new friends? Will i be able to see my family soon? my Guardian Force(GF)? Ok, at this point, i lost all mood to write on. So there. THE END.

Sometimes i think when i look into the com, what the hell i am doing, typing some stupid shit. But then again i think, is it not me that i am stupid, to be typing this shit, makes me even a bigger SHIT! Oh man, save me from myself! Dumb chat from a dumb guy for a dumb LJ

Two years pass so quickly. It really does seem like yesterday when i first stepped into the classroom, with half of the people i recognise and the other half, strangers.

Today, i woke up as usual, go to school, have breakfast, and practically slack around. It seems like any other normal day to me. That was what i thought. Yet, strangely but quite comfortably enough, we decided to find a classroom and play "Jing Bao Sai Zi". Although i never manage to lay hands on those alluring, mouth-watering wasabi green peas, it was still rather fun in my opinion. Sure, there were moments of uneasy silence, but i guess that was unavoidable, seeing that we never really had many chances to get together as one big group before.

When it was time for assembly, we went to LT4 for an assembly talk. It was about our prelim results, last year prelims and A level results. The results shown wasn't very promising, plus there were subjects that did not score as well in last year's A levels as compared to last year prelims. We should be worried, fearful. Yet ironically, most of the people in LT4 laughed. I guess that lightens up the atmosphere.

At about 11.20am, we went to the hall for our FAREWELL ASSEMBLY. We had a speech by the principal, a speech by a successful, last-minute mugging, ex-pioneer. Mr A. and Mr Kwok, both sang songs, "my way" and "seasons in the sun + stand by me" respectively. Funny and heartwarming, i must say, especially Mr Kwok with his wonderfully fast tempo rendition of the songs. lol. But he can SING!

Next, was a dance. Mr Yap's wife(so sad that mr yap is in reservice or else he could see it) and...... Mr Sars (ok, maybe seeing it might be a bad idea. AHEM!) were the main dancers. A couple dance with much bodily contact (sounds wrong). It was quite nice, after all, both are dancers. The dance was further livened up by the entrance of 3 other teachers, 2 of which i do not know. The other teacher was Mr Yeo, Lit teacher cum Vice Principle. Their appearance added a tinge of humour and fun to the entire dance, making it wholesome. Beautiful. Don't you think that the farewell assembly is just so cool? Well, if you think that this is the climax, then the next performance is the climax of the climax.

Our very own stylish vice principal, dressed in T-shirt, casual pants and sneakers, sang two songs for us. At first, i was suspicious of whether he was singing because he sang very well. But it really is him! The first song i think is "peng you yong yuan zai ni shen bian" and the other i do not know. I do know one thing though, both are Chen Wei Lian songs. Chen Wei Lian SUCKS! But, Mr Tay RULEZ! He sang his heart out for us and our hearts went out to him. He even rewrote the lyrics for the second song, dedicating it just for us J2s. Touched? Yeah, i was. I bet you a hundred bucks that none of the other schools vice principals are even half as cool as PJC's.

Later in the afternoon, 12 A02 students went out to eat at Orchard's Crystal Jade. The food was so so. Chatted, felt a little uneasiness here and there, but it was still alright. There wasn't much bonding even though we combined the two round tables together. lol. (though you may not see this, but still, sorry zhiying for laughing when you said your mum call you "ah bao", it wasn't mocking just amazement plus shocked plus excitement. it is also due to the fact that "ah bao" appeared in Zui Hou Ye Xi).

Anyway, some of us decided to watch a movie, but there wasn't any good movies, so we said bowling, but some people were not interested. So we decided to go home. Yet, upon reaching JE MRT station, serene blabbered that she wanted to bowl. Unanimously, Samuel, Meng Bing, Wen Jun, me and serene decided to bowl. We felt bad, because it seems like leaving Zhi Ying out (he had the intention to bowl too). But to call him to come now to bowl, would be causing him much inconvenience and time wasted travelling. So we headed for Chevrons. It was quite a weird combination, but it was still surprisingly fun. After all that, my day finally ended.

Seriously, today's events, especially Farewell Assembly got me pondering. All that has happened today, will eventually become just a wonderful memory for me. All that i have experienced today, has already become a past. Just thinking of this, for the very first time in my entire school life in PJC, 我感到惆怅 leaving. My classmates, teachers... it seems that it is only this year, i started getting to know them a little bit better, feel a little closer. Yet, time ain't on my side. 13 October 2006, marks the end of JC2.

就当我终于找到你的手，想伸手去握住，时间如将要离去的地铁似的，关上门，发动，走， 永不回头。。。

P.S. sorry for boring my few readers out there. I just needed to write this boring diary entry.

Sometimes i just wonder, "Did i start a relationship a little too early?" It is not that there is no mutual feelings between us, but just plainly because we are Asians. Weird? But that is how i feel. I am proud to be Asian, but why must there be an emphasis on male supremacy in our Asian culture? What would happen to us both if I am not as competent, as successful as her? I am willing to be the MAN behind a successful woman anytime, but would this society accept me with a gracious heart? Or will they start badmouthing me, calling me shameless, being no different from a gigolo? What is wrong with being a househusband? I maybe a man, and men have egos. However, I don't mind deflating my ego a little, but to totally squeeze me dry, then i rather be a woman. I do not want to feel this way, clinging on to my pride like some koala bear, but i was born like this. Born in an Asian family, brought up by typical Asian parents, living in an Asian society. It just contributes to my "LOVE" for pride. I remember hearing this from many sources, "Love knows no boundaries." Does this still stand true? Will status, power, competency, success not matter at all? Will a guy like that still be able to give you the kind of security you seek? "Pride always comes before a fall." Will my pride bring the end of our relationship? So many questions, so many unknown answers. I just hope my future is not bleak, just unforeseen.

Water, tasteless, odorless. Plain it may seems, but a necessity to live. It makes up about 70% of your body fluids. Relationships are like water.



I need a fire to boil my water!!!

i don't feel too happy. penning off... dumb LJ.